Tonks's FailSafe Ways to Charm Werewolves
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: Tonks has a crush on Remus. Remus is wonderfully oblivious. Thankfully, the least subtle and most daring Marauder is on hand to sort the two of them out. RL/NT fluff. Set during OotP.


**Author's Note: I don't usually write Remus/Tonks but I had this idea and it demanded that I write it. Also, it's not Valentine's Day but I'm posting it now anyway. Enjoy! **

**Set February of OotP.**

"Morning, Remus!" Tonks sang brightly, as she practically bounced into the kitchen at 12, Grimmauld Place. Two men lifted their heads to glance at her, with blurry eyes and exhausted expressions.

"Good morning," Remus replied politely, whilst Sirius hardly managed a sleepy grunt. Tonks smirked.

"I see you're not a morning person," she grinned as she passed Sirius on her way to the fridge.

"I see you are," he mumbled into a bowl of cereal. Tonks laughed, grabbed a slice of toast and knocked a plate to the floor, where it shattered into pieces. Sirius snorted, Tonks blushed and Remus pulled out his wand to repair the damage.

"Sorry," Tonks apologised. "Cheers, Remus. I'm so clumsy in the mornings."

"Just in the mornings?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Try all day." Tonks shot him an irritated glare.

"I'm not _that_ bad," she pouted, looking at Remus. He had completely turned his attention to the Daily Prophet and didn't even seem to be following the conversation between his best friend and fellow Order member. Tonks held up a teaspoon.

"I think I'll make my nose a bit smaller," she frowned, peering at her reflection. "What do you think, Remus?"

"Hmmm?" Remus hardly glanced up from the newspaper. "It's really up to you, Nymphadora."

"_Tonks_," she corrected crossly. "Alright… I'll make my nose smaller. I think it suits my face better that way." Sirius was watching the pair of them, an amused expression on his face. "There, that's an improvement, don't you think?" Tonks angled her face towards Remus, who clearly hadn't been listening to a word she'd said.

"Dragon dung's gone up by twenty sickles per ounce," Remus commented, eyes glued to the Prophet. Sirius snorted and Tonks's eyes filled with tears.

"For Merlin's _SAKE_," she cried, throwing down the toast and grabbing her cloak from the back of a chair. "I'll see you two later," she called, as she hastily left the room.

"Moony!" Sirius began, in an accusatory tone, as soon as the front door had been slammed shut. "What the hell was that?" Remus glanced up, confusion across his face.

"What was what?" he asked. Sirius sighed.

"She's flirting with you, mate."

"_What_?" Remus choked and his head jerked up sharply. "Don't be ridiculous, she's merely being friendly."

"Yeah," Sirius rolled his eyes again. "She's being very friendly and you're completely oblivious. Didn't James and I manage to impart any wisdom in seven years?"

"I don't understand you," Remus shrugged. "I hardly needed to provide much input. She didn't really want me telling her what to do with her own features. I'm sure she was just being polite." Sirius smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Remus, she was flirting with you. You started talking about the price of dragon shit." Remus looked slightly embarrassed.

"I- I was just mentioning the main news article of the day." He folded the paper in half and stood up. "I've got work to do. Please don't encourage Nymphadora."

"It's Tonks!" Sirius shouted after his friend but Remus did not respond.

/

"I'm back!" Tonks's voice echoed through the house and Sirius stuck his head around the drawing room door.

"Thank Merlin. I'm bored out of my mind. Fancy a game of chess?" Tonks laughed.

"Won't Remus play with you?" Sirius shook his head.

"He's busy researching stuff for the Order and he won't let me help him because I charmed the books to start beating him around the head if he went over four hours without a break." Tonks made a small noise of indignation.

"I thought he'd be upstairs, researching dragon dung or something equally repulsive." She followed Sirius into the drawing room, grabbed a bottle of Firewhisky from the cabinet, poured two measures and sat down heavily.

"Have a drink," she instructed Sirius, when he didn't automatically take the glass.

"You're offering me my own Firewhisky?" he smirked.

"Yes, I am," Tonks nodded. "And I'm recruiting you for a mission." Sirius grabbed a glass, sat opposite her and laughed.

"I'm already on it. I spoke to Remus this morning." Tonks looked surprised.

"How did you-"

"-know?" Sirius asked, grinning at her. "Tonks, it's obvious. How many other people do you ask for advice on your appearance? Who else makes you so cheery in the morning?" Tonks groaned and took a sip of Firewhisky.

"Oh Merlin," she moaned. "So everyone knows, except Remus?"

"Probably."

"Kingsley took me aside three days ago and informed me that I was being, and I quote, 'too obvious', Mad-Eye told me that I was even clumsier around Remus and Hestia laughed at me for two hours because I tripped down the steps outside, landed on Remus and knocked the book out of his hands." Sirius snorted.

"You are pretty obvious," he agreed. Tonks sighed in frustration.

"And how obvious am I going to have to be before he notices?" Sirius winked.

"I think on some level, he already knows. He's just rejecting it because he's got no self-belief when it comes to women."

"Right," Tonks nodded. "We're going to do something about that, aren't we?"

"Oh yes," Sirius replied, a playful gleam in his eye. "We are going to do something about that. After all, if I'm stuck here doing nothing all day, I might as well play matchmaker to you two."

/

"OH, YOU MAY NOT THINK I'M PRETTY BUT DON'T JUDGE ON WHAT YOU SEE. I'LL JINX MYSELF IF YOU CAN FIND A BETTER CATCH THAN ME!"

There was silence in the kitchen. Sirius was smirking to himself, Tonks was standing outside the door, her ear pressed to the wood and Remus was sitting at the table, the wrapping from the Love Howler in his hands and a bemused expression upon his face.

"Well," Sirius smirked. "Who could that possibly be from, Moony?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"If this another repeat of fourth year," he frowned.

"No!" Sirius shook his head. "Marauder's honour, I swear. It wasn't me, for once."

"So someone's actually sent me a Love Howler?" Remus replied skeptically. "I rather doubt that, Padfoot. It's probably for you, instead."

"It says _Remus 'Sexy Ass' Lupin_ on the envelope," Sirius smirked, holding it up. Outside, Tonks suppressed laughter and wished she'd never allowed Sirius to address the letter. Remus blushed crimson and snatched the envelope away.

"I imagine that it was a practical joke of some kind. Very amusing." Remus didn't sound as though he was amused at all. Tonks decided that was her cue to enter.

"Morning all!" she practically sang. "Happy Valentine's Day!" She pretended to spot the card. "Oi, what've you got there, Remus?"

"Oh, nothing, I…" Remus began hesitantly but Sirius grabbed the Love Howler and its envelope and thrust them into Tonks's hands, giving her a small wink. Tonks once again marvelled at how well Sirius's charms to conceal the handwriting had worked.

"Well, well," she grinned. "Sexy ass?" Remus blushed again.

"I imagine it was a joke," he explained. Tonks feigned a look of horror and exchanged a quick grin with Sirius.

"Remus! Of course it wasn't! There must be hoards of people who would love to be your valentine!" Tonks pretended to rack her brains. "Oooh! Maybe an ex-student of yours? Anyone who showed a particularly liking for you?" Remus shook his head.

"It's not really important," he replied, dismissively. "I'll just throw it in the fire after breakfast." With that, he stood up and exited the room.

"Right," Tonks clapped her hands together. "I believe this calls for drastic action, Mr Black."

"I agree," Sirius nodded. "He's going to see exactly how eager his mystery valentine is."

Throughout the day, Remus's research for the Order was interrupted at strategic points by Love Howlers which kept arriving every hour. Tonks and Sirius were usually on hand to provide interesting insights into their content as soon as they had been received and Remus was growing even more confused as the day went on. Either it was a very elaborate prank or someone was desperate to get his attention. Remus didn't even want to consider the latter.

"My personal favourite?" Sirius grinned, when the three of them were seated around the fire, discussing the Love Howlers after dinner. Remus was, for once, without the usual book in his hands as Sirius had physically wrestled it from him and demanded that he take the night off. "Has to be their rendition of Odo the Hero."

"You mean Remus the Hero," Tonks laughed. She and Sirius had rewritten the lyrics to the popular song and the Love Howler had performed the new song to the three of them upon arrival. Sirius had jinxed the Howler so it used a very operatic voice, instead of his or Tonks's. Remus, not a person who enjoyed being the centre of attention all the time, had found the day very tiring.

"… with her heart snapped in two, which was sad," Tonks sang, a wide smirk on her face. "You know, those really were creative lyrics, Remus."

"Definitely," Sirius nodded, keeping a straight face. "This mystery witch is a keeper."

"Let's forget about the Love Howlers," Remus requested, closing his eyes briefly. "I probably won't ever hear from mystery witch again."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Sirius raised his eyebrows, just the Order's owl fluttered through the window, dropped a single piece of parchment on Remus's lap and left the house with a soft hoot.

"Oooh!" Tonks squealed, in apparent delight. "What's that?" The envelope was opened tentatively by Remus, not to find another Love Howler but a plain Valentine's Day Card. Tonks's eyes narrowed. This was definitely not part of her scheme. A glance at Sirius revealed a similar confusion. To Tonks's dismay, Remus actually smiled slightly as he read the message.

"Let's see," Sirius grabbed the card and began to read. "Remus, I hope you're taking a break from saving the wizarding world to enjoy Valentine's Day. I'll be thinking of you. Love from an old flame…"

"Lovely," Tonks commented, through gritted teeth. Sirius was signalling to her behind Remus's back but she was scowling at him.

"That was a nice thought," Remus smiled, re-reading the card. Tonks's face was growing angrier by the second. "I wonder who sent it?"

"I don't know!" Tonks suddenly cried out, jumping to her feet. "But she's obviously perfect, unlike mystery witch! I hope you'll be very happy together!" Tonks stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Remus gave Sirius a bewildered glance, who seemed to be suppressing another smirk.

"What in Merlin's name was that about?" Remus asked. Sirius shrugged innocently.

"No idea. You'd better follow her though, mate."

In the hallway, Tonks was fuming silently, extremely irritated that _another witch_ had the nerve to send _her_ Remus a Valentine's Card.

"Tonks, what's wrong?" Remus asked, genuine concern on his face as he approached her. She turned around to glare at him.

"Can't you even see? Merlin, you're supposed to be intelligent!"

"I'm sorry, Tonks," Remus's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I don't know why you're upset with me." Tonks uncrossed her arms.

"It's me!" she yelled, eyes blazing with annoyance. "I'm mystery witch!" She swallowed the tears which suddenly threatened to leak out of her eyes. "But I hope you'll be very happy with _old flame_." She spoke the name as if it could be poisonous. Remus seemed to be stunned.

"You're- those Love Howlers- they were from…?"

"Yes, from me," Tonks replied impatiently. "I can't believe you didn't work it out. _Everyone_ knows." Remus went slightly pale.

"Everyone knows?"

"Yes," Tonks nodded firmly. "Everyone knows." Remus seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Finally, he opened his mouth.

"I'm very… flattered but you'll understand that of course I can't…"

"No excuses!" Tonks silenced him, grabbing his upper-arm. "I'm sure you'd rather make an informed decision after." She met his gaze with a stubborn stare of her own.

"After what?" Remus replied, sounding anxious. Tonks's face split into a smirk.

"After this." She pulled herself closer to him and without any warning, attached her lips to his. Remus froze against her mouth until Tonks gave him an impatient nudge and finally, he began to return her kiss. Her hands tangled in his hair and his slipped down to her waist.

Opening the drawing room door quietly, Sirius saw the couple and laughed. He credited himself with the excellent idea of introducing an imaginary ex-girlfriend. He'd known that jealousy would urge Tonks to reveal herself as mystery witch. Another excellent and successfully-executed Marauder scheme.

That was how, in February of 1996, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks spent the best part of Valentine's Day evening kissing against a wall in Grimmauld Place, underneath the heads of numerous deceased House-Elves.


End file.
